Like… Too Scared to be different
I’ve been really scared to say that I’m different and it’s holding me back.
The idea for this post came to me as I feebly tried to write a response to my past life coach. I was sitting on this email for about a week, trying to put off the inevitable of admitting I’m basically in the same place I was when we stopped our session in January… Battling fear and shame.
My desires feel dangerous. I don’t know anyone interested in what I’m interested in. I’m afraid no one will understand me. I don’t know what I’m doing. If I’m honest with myself, I know that ultimately, I do not fit into what has been deemed normal. I’ve gotten really good at observing and adapting to people and environments. I know the rules and behaviors that are deemed acceptable, but none of those things make me feel like me. Being outside with other people, I feel forced to exist in a way that is separate from myself.
The clothes I wear, how polite I am to others, how eagerly I think ahead to offer myself to provide service or kindness to others, how easy going I am, how malleable I am to situations, how agreeable I am… Somewhere in my life I learned that what I wanted was bad and the only way to be around people, be with people, build connection with other people was to do whatever it is they wanted to do.
I believe the thing about connection is that I’m afraid to wholeheartedly and fully experience it as well as being afraid I’ll never experience it at all. Now, this is the part where self-validation comes in. Am I enough to give myself everything I want in life? If so, do I really need or want anyone else? If not, what’s wrong with me? I feel like these are existential, mind-loop, drive-you-insane, no right answer questions that are valid. But if you cut all the BS, I believe I will get to an answer if I’m open and honest with myself, to hurt my own feelings and live to experience life.
In a previous post, I was “too scared to address and affirm” a few very specific and yet broad topics in my life. I’ll say, that was an attempt to validate parts of myself that don’t get enough time in the sun to shine or parts of myself I’ve kind of pushed to the side and glared at knowingly like a dirty secret I couldn’t tell anyone.
Was I put in the world to be understood or to be experienced? For better or for worse, I know it’s the latter and that sets me up for life in a different way.
