Like… Too Scared to consider dating
In the not-so-distant mist of Valentine’s Day, let’s get into dating. I haven’t had that much experience with dating (only 4 dates to count) so the topic is both exciting and frightening at the same time.
I’ll start with the scary parts. I know in this day and age, we turn to the internet for everything, for better or for worse, and y’all have got me spooked! I know we all say (and more importantly believe) men ain’t shit, but damn… Somebody has got to be something! The discourse around gay dating involves ghosting, bad first dates, non-consistent communication and people trying to navigate open relationships. The horror stories make me not wait to get dolled up or talk to anyone.
For me, my fear really centers around myself, boiling down to self-worth and feeling desirable. I am constantly trying to build that foundation and it’s an ever-evolving battle. So when it comes to men and dating, I have to remind myself not to simply mold into whatever I believe they will like or think is desirable. It reeks of desperation and people pleasing, as it is and I have a long history of holding those two things very closely, and it’s unattractive. Plus, it leads to an imbalance in relationships and potential toxicity, which is bad, bad, bad on all fronts. All of this paired with a healing of internalized homophobia and not socializing with anyone let alone in queer spaces sets me up for a huge learning curve nearing 30. Can’t you just feel the anxiety banging on your brain? Exhausting, right? But that’s just my brain running on stress.
If we move on to the good part, I think dating could be fun. It’s an opportunity for you to have new experiences and meet new people. With my lack of experience, I think dating is more of a dance to see who the other person is. I believe some people just don’t gel well together, but I also think people do not want to get hurt and are very quick to dismiss others without giving it a real chance. The talk of icks and red flags sends me under the covers, like… I think it’s so wild how the smallest of personality traits or singular occurrences mandates someone to cut someone off.
Do people expect a stranger to meet all of their ideal qualifications, never mess up and do all the things that they expect on the first date without discussing it first? I honestly think we as people tend to put a lot of pressure on others to be and do what we want as a way of protection and safety. If a person doesn’t meet our initial expectations, that means we are going to get hurt, so we immediately pull away. I find it interesting what people do and do not give grace toward and how diligent they are to enforce their “boundaries.”
Now, I can’t say I also won’t do this. I don’t know what dating has in store for me. I could be the same exact way. I can’t knock anyone for their standards, but it just makes me worried that I won’t measure up to anything for anyone. See… going back to self worth… But what other people deem worthy is not a reflection on me (and I’ll try to remember this when I actually start dating.)
Moving on to the actual action of going on a date, I’m still hung up on getting one. I’ve heard Instagram is the best dating app, so do I need to be more active and “social” so I can get a date? Do I have to be courageous and dive into someone’s DMs?
With all of that said, let’s set a challenge for myself. I feel like this is kinda steep, but challenges are supposed to have some level of difficulty, no? Now the challenge is for each quarter of the year, to go on at least one date with a new person. I’m going to use the term date loosely as meeting new people seems to be the primary goal in means of dating, so I’ll open it up to romantic and platonic relationships. That a minimum of 4 “dates” with 4 new people for the entire year. Putting this in the world seems silly as people obviously go on more than 4 dates in one year, but it is reasonable and difficult for me! So for me, it will be as it is… My own little challenge of experiencing more of life really. Can I do it? We’ll have to wait for an update. It’s now February, so I’ve got a little more than a month to face a fear and meet one new person.
