Like… Too scared to live a life that’s meant for me
Let’s put it plainly. I’m 29, gay, unemployed, never been in a relationship, still live in my hometown with my parents, no tangible career aspirations with anxiety and depression. Someone tell me what is my life.
Objectively, this was not the life I imagined for myself nearing 30. First, I thought 30 was a full adult age where life was unquestionably stable and the only thing you had to worry about was advancing your career, taking take of your own family, vacations or caring for your parents. Alas, all of these things still come into play, but not in the solitary fashion I fully envisioned in my head.
To be honest, I never imagined a life for myself after high school. I knew college was something I was aiming toward, but I had no idea what the experience would be like. As a closeted teen, I wasn’t aware of any pop culture that pointed to any examples of my possible college experience. Since 18, life has kinda followed the same path. I generally had no idea what my life could be and I was too scared to imagine a life of my own volition, so I anxiously waited and looked for signs to tell me what my life should be.
People said you needed to have good grades to get into college… So I graduated with over a 4.0 GPA
I was the publicity commissioner of my high school student government. I wasn’t half bad at it either… So I majored in Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations
People think college is meant to prepare you for the real world and getting a job… So I got two internships during my last year of college, both extending past graduation.
I majored in public relations… So I got a job as a PR and marketing coordinator after my internships ended
I had a full-time job and lived at home… So I went to work, saved my money and stayed home
I know nothing about any of this is relatively bad, but nowhere in all of this time did I question what was next for me or what did I want to do. Everything was linear and seemed to lead to the next thing. It all seemed like how life was supposed to be, but life isn’t exact. I followed it anyways because it felt like there was some unwritten but documented plan I was to follow and I was hitting all the marks.
I honestly thought I was going to stay at my first real job for the rest of my life. Thanks to depression, that was not the case. However, we listen to our parents or older adults, or society at large and experience telling us to go to school, get a job, find one thing and stick with it. Once you have one job, it will provide you with a stable income to support yourself – family, bills, food, housing, retirement, benefits… But that’s not the case. Well at least it wasn’t for me and as society goes on, it’s exceedingly not the case for the majority of us under the age of 40.
I did everything logically right and at the age of 26, right wasn’t working. This brings us to the tail end of 2019 leading to the noteworthy 2020. Life at that point was a cataclysmic storm we all had to weather and now we are here.
I’ve meditated, took all the personality quizzes, bought tarot cards, watched probably over 50 hours of self-help YouTube videos on motivation, anxiety, fear and people-pleasing, made a home within self-help TikTok, bought resume templates, hired a life coach, had a few therapy sessions, looked into career coaches, had a mini 5-week long quasi “Eat, Pray, Love” moment in New York and I’m just about at the end of all my being trying to decide what’s next for me.
I’ve lived a life that was mapped out for me, but in some way, I feel robbed of my ability to cultivate a life for myself. I understand unlearning and growth take a level of discomfort, but when will something feel good?
Is life really what you make it and have you made it rock?
